Holy crap Batman get over it

You can only say I am sorry just so much....

Sabotage

I am my own worst enemy, I have the best intentions but then something happens and I sabotage everything  am trying to do. Last night I got so frustrated and disappointed with Eric and instead of letting it go I found something horrible for me to eat.

When do you think I will learn?

Baby steps

Yesterday I went to a health fair, I walked in with the idea that I was going to find things that would help me on my weight loss journey. And yes I did, if I had a mountain of money that I could splurge on whatever I wanted. If I had that I would get the trainer I need that will get me off the couch and make me do it.

What I think I did find, was something I didn't think I was looking for. I found someone I think I could go and talk to professionally, someone that is an addiction specialist, who can maybe help me understand the reason I am the way I am.

If they only knew

I posted on another website today, the phone numbers, email and snail mail address of a suicide hotline in our area, as I was posting it I was thinking to myself, if they only knew how close I had come in the last year, actually in the last 6 months. Sometimes I wake up aching in pain, mental pain so real that I swear I can feel it racking my body.

I am glad it is getting better, the alternative is just so final.

I really know how to do this (Or how to get my head out of my ass)

Its the beginning of the year and again I look at resolutions and how I am going to hit the ground running and be all that I can be, I sound like a military commercial but it is this way every year.

I make the same ones every year, I want to lose weight, get healthy, save money, travel...

And every year they go to the wayside as the real world intrudes and I lose my momentum and/or mindset and each year all of those things seem to gather more around them then the year before. 

This year I am not going to make myself promises that I can beat myself up over, nothing that I can fail at, this year I am going to try, every day, to be a better person. 

I am also going to work toward me improvement, not weight loss, not financial success, I just want to feel good about me again. Mentally I want to know that I am lovable. Yes I know that people that read this will exclaim that I am lovable, but in the end the person that has to say it and believe it is me. 

I have an amazing support system, I think that is because I am also supportive of them, I am afraid though if I ever let them see inside, if I say the things I really feel will they still support me, will they still love me?

Guess what? It's not about them, its about me, I am the one that needs to love me, when that happens then I will never have to worry about others loving me again, that comes with me doing it.

Today I am going to work on some steps, and make a list of things I can accomplish if I put my mind to it.

Stay tuned for my journey!